Fear

 Do you know what fears feels like? How paralyzing it is? How all the the things you said you would do if it happens to you, you can't seem to even remember them.

I know.

Do you know how fear makes you think? Probably shuts all the thoughts out and maybe even freezes you?

I know.

Do you know how fear can turn into shock? Amazement at something so scary. Do you know how fear turns into anger?

I know.

Being a Nigerian, I've had to see my fears and I couldn't face them. They faced me. Sometimes, the only thing I could do was cry. Sometimes, I could only freeze.

2015-2016 was one of the years I had fears facing me. I lost a loved one who was murdered. I was shocked. How I ate that night I don't know. I saw her that week or so.

We went to church the next day and I heard people talking about how they couldn't sleep. Cause it was not possible that it happened. But it did.

Early this year, I went to get fuel. And at the fuel station, something happened and people were angry. Right there, they said they'll set the fuel station on fire.

My heart started pounding cause honestly, what was I supposed to do? I heard a gunshot and for some reason it agitated me. It calmed me when I realized that it was the security officials who shot into the air to scare the hooligans.

In 2015/2016, I cried to bed singing; 

Jehovah Shammah

I see you everywhere

Blessed Redeemer

Your glory fills the earth

Everlasting Father

The one who watches me

I put my trust alone

In Jehovah Shammah.

Just this morning, I was singing it and remembering what happened when I sang it then. I didn't expect to have to sing it again to myself to reassure myself.

I can't make sense of what happened today or that year. All I can hold on to, is the One that holds my tomorrow.